u

Hi, call me Kree ♥

My hobbies include baking, gardening, and dabbling in vulture culture and witchcraft.

You can talk to me if you want, but I probably don't have anything interesting to say.

x

buttermilkqueen:

dont u dare treat ur animals like shit in front of me i will end ur life son

jcatgrl:

copperbadge:

persinetteinthetower:

moriartythetease:

So what happens if two people who have promised their firstborn to separate witches have a child together? Do they both just pop up in the nursery and have a custody battle?

I need a book about a little girl whose parents had promised their firstborn to different witches and the only way that both ends of the deal were fulfilled was for them to have joint custody of the child.

I love it!

And then the witches, forced to share a cottage while raising their joint stolen child, fall in love…

Erotica Written By An 8 Year Old Boy Who Is Still Trying To Figure Out What Sex Is

hothotphone:

image

Tom Brady was tired from all the football he had been playing. He was sweaty too. He had scored like 100 touchdowns.

Something you should know about Tom Brady is that he is the best at football. He is also the best at sex. He is the Tom Brady of sex. He definitely knows what it is and how to do it.  

As he walked off the football field , he ran into Margaret. She was the head cheerleader for the New England Patriots. She had long blonde hair, like that elf guy in the Hobbit, but better because she was a girl. Her boobs were really big, full of milk, probably.

“Hey Tom,” she said.

“Hey Margaret, you look dumb today,” he said back.

Girls like it when you are mean to them.

Margaret smiled. She liked it when Tom was mean to her.

“Thanks Tom Brady. You are so good at sports. You have won so many Superbowls,” Margaret said.  She started to walk towards him, winking both eyes.

That’s when something crazy happened: Tom Brady’s peenie got big and muscular, like Gastons muscles in that scene from Beauty and the Beast. He didn’t get it, because he still thought girls were dumb and ugly. Maybe it was because his peenie was angry.

Margaret walked towards him slowly, and she gave him the look that Nala gives Simba in that scene in the Lion King.

“Why are you looking at me like Nala does in the Lion King?” Tom Brady asked sexily.

“Because I want to sex ya,” Margaret said. “Let’s do sex. You with your peenie, and me with mine.”

“Oh girls have peenies too?” Tom asked even though he knew the answer.

“Of course we do! We have girl peenies. They’re almost the same, but a little different. Full of milk just like our boobs.”

Tom nodded.

She quickly took off her cheerleading shirt and then her bra.

Boing Boing! Her breasts fell out.

She threw her bra away like a boomerang. The bra went soaring through the air and then flew back to tom Brady’s hands like Thor’s hammer in the Avengers.

Tom Brady caught it, which means that you can have sex now.

Each big boob probably weighed 80 pounds, like a big river bass, and was white and beautiful and had a shiny nickel at the end.

“Nice nickels!” Tom Brady said.

Margaret walked up to Tom, and they kissed.

Then Tom’s peenie exploded, and that was it. Sex was over.

“Thanks so much Tom Brady for sexing with me,” said Margaret.

“Shut up ya dumb fart breath,” said Tom. “I gotta go play football.

He turned and ran for the field, but stopped before he got there.

“I love you Margaret,” he yelled back at her.

“Love you, too,” she said.

[Paul Laudeiro is co-editor of Hot Hot Phone and creator of Shit Rough Drafts]

astrofemme:

lowbrasschikah:

I thought this was so nice

GIRLS BEING NICE TO OTHER GIRLS

svvord:

pissoffyoucunts:

sophie-watts:

Thanks 

I don’t know which I find funnier “fuck shit up” or “faire smashy smashy”

TO DO SMASHY SMASH

ninetynineno:

sylphoftime:

i think it’s funny how christianity made a big deal about mary being impregnanted by god and everyone was like “oh my god the son of god! we must worship him listen to his great wisdom.” 

meanwhile, if you said god knocked you up in ancient greece they’d just be like “yeah, me too.”

Okay, I laughed.

I ran like a kilometer and a half with my dog tonight. Not all in one shot, though. We probably ran 100m at a time, slowed down to take a breath and wait for a car to go by, then started walking and went back into a run. This is the first time I have pushed myself this hard in a long time, and I’m proud of myself. I’ve been a couch potato lately, and despite the fact that I threw up a little bit of soda because I was dumb, I’m pretty satisfied with myself tonight.

Aw yeah pumpkin pie. I made it and it’s all mine and you can’t have any. c:

Decided to take a video while flying this morning.

Best. Idea. Ever.

perfection

Reminder that this actually exists in our world


THIS IS REAL

I’m gonna cry.

i just read this and thought “humans cant fly dont lie to me sir” then realised, airplanes. 

h0odrich:

this looks like a man just got switched into a cats body and he’s having some self realization of the situation and he’s buggin

boo-would222:

grizzlygains:

happyhalloweekes:

spoopy-shanin:

I’m not too late for the cute lil ghosts, right?

Of course you have to drag it and be amazed

THIS IS THE BEST ONE YET

THESE DRAG GHOSTS GIVE ME LIFE

music player codey
viwan themes